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Author Topic:   Let's Get Silly for a Minute - Add a Yuck
LindaB
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Posts: 658
Registered: Jan 99

posted 03-31-1999 11:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LindaB     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You Have Reached the Arizona Mental Health Hotline:

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 over and over and over again.

- If you are hysterical, don't touch any buttons, something terrible might happen.

- If you are paranoid, there's no need to touch any buttons. We know who you are, we know where you live, and we will be coming to get you very soon.

- If you are a psychopath, rip the cord out of the wall, and run away with the phone.

- If you are an anal-retentive psychopath, take the phone apart, place each piece in a plastic bag and then place all the plastic bags in one large paper bag. Then put the paper bag in the southeast corner of your freezer.

- If you are depressed, don't press any buttons, it wouldn't do you any good anyway.

- If you are Manic, press as many buttons as you can, as fast as possible.

- If you are a Kleptomaniac, go to your neighbors house, steal their phone, and call again.

Ty
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Posts: 288
Registered: Mar 99

posted 03-31-1999 11:14 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ty   Click Here to Email Ty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Here's some more:

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.


I got those from a friend who used to work on a hot line!

Ty

gal4
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Posts: 365
Registered: Mar 99

posted 03-31-1999 11:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for gal4     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Dear Linda,
I did get that before, but love reading it again. I guess all jokes are based on truth. I have been caught on the catch-22 switchboard many times. The latest, and worst, is Blue Cross customer service(?) and my PCP. The more you need the place or person you are calling the less accessible they are.
Well, that felt good!
Barbara

heykate
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Posts: 556
Registered: Jan 99

posted 03-31-1999 09:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for heykate   Click Here to Email heykate     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hahaha, Linda, my OTHER laugh for the day, girl.

Gal4 - should see ME trying to set up my operation with my insurance carrier - the surgery HAS to be easier!

JeanetteC
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Posts: 134
Registered: Feb 99

posted 03-31-1999 10:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for JeanetteC   Click Here to Email JeanetteC     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Laughter is soooooo good for the soul. Thanks and now let's see...... which button do I press.... which one am I today?

LynneB
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Posts: 226
Registered: Mar 99

posted 04-01-1999 03:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LynneB   Click Here to Email LynneB     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I had these stored away on my hard drive:

THE TOP FIFTEEN WORLD’S SHORTEST BOOKS:

1. Al Gore: The Wild Years
2. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
3. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
4. Career Opportunities for History Majors
5. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
6. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
7. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
8. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
10. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
11. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
12. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
13. Staple Your Way to Success
14. The Amish Phone Book
15. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS:
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
- It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Where there’s a will, I want to be in it!
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
- Forget about World Peace....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- I souport publik edekasion.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. - You Will Be Assimilated.
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
- Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!”.....till you can find a rock.
- I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

NEWLY DISCOVERED COMPUTER VIRUSES:
- OJ SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your hard drive, but you just can't prove it.
- BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulen, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
- PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This virus doesn't horse around. Warns you of impending attack: once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
- POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a virus, but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
- ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system; shows graphs indicating amount of destruction; then quits.
- TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
- DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Thier is sumthing rong with yur komputer, but u kan't figyur out watt!
- FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
- GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
- TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it is bigger than any other file.
- ADAM & EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
- CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the gridlock is caused by the other side.
- AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
- FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
- PBS VIRUS: Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.
- ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self-destructs only to reportedly surface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
- NIKE VIRUS: Just DOES IT.
- KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
- STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
- HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.
- GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs, no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

[This message has been edited by LynneB (edited 04-01-99).]

LindaB
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Posts: 658
Registered: Jan 99

posted 04-01-1999 03:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LindaB     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
And now, Lynne, they're stored on my hard drive. Loved them and LOL, LOL, LOL!

Pattee
Veteran

Posts: 300
Registered: Jan 99

posted 04-01-1999 04:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Pattee   Click Here to Email Pattee     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
hahahahahahlololololollheheheheheeGeeze I love this stuff Thanks guys .Into the hall of fameI just cant figure out why some people think we dont have a sense of humor.Love pattee

DALE
Veteran

Posts: 36
Registered: Feb 99

posted 04-01-1999 06:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DALE     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lynne - Shortest Books - I can't understand why No.9 is in there!! Thought it would be the longest book ever.

Joyce
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Posts: 1237
Registered:

posted 04-01-1999 08:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Joyce     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
one more, why not.......

A baby usually wakes up in the weewee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the
world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your
children.
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your
nursing home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at
once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in
your brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks
like a neighbour, that's environment.
- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit
down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate
his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when
they'll know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too
many.
- You can learn many things from children...like how much
patience you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers
are grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done :
1) Do it yourself
2) Hire someone to do it
3) Forbid your kids to do it
- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop
wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

Joyce
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Posts: 1237
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posted 04-01-1999 08:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Joyce     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
double clicked sorry

[This message has been edited by Joyce (edited 04-01-99).]

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