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Author Topic:   Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work (or School)
Ty
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Posts: 288
Registered: Mar 99

posted 03-26-1999 09:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ty   Click Here to Email Ty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toiletwater. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Ty

MUNCHIE
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Posts: 26
Registered: Mar 99

posted 03-26-1999 11:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MUNCHIE     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I will be returning back to work soon, so your suggestions are not only practical but very hillarious. Thanks for all the tips. I am female, so you may know the myths about females lingering in the bathroom for long periods of time, which can mean hiding in the stall for lets say an "HOUR"--just joking. When this illness first started, I was so embarrassed--I was aware of the courtesy flush,and often used it to mask the sound of loud poops. I also have a good tip for the ladies, I carry in my purse, a small can(trial size,found in most grocery & drug stores)of Lysol(soft powder scent is best)and spray when it gets too stinky or when I'm done--this shows others "Yes, I know I crapped, but at least I'm sparing all of you!"--One of my friends uses small vials of sample perfumes(men can use colognes)to mask the stink, since the vials are easier to hide in pockets. ---Thanks so much for your suggestions--Good Work!!!! Love, Munchie

P.S. I forgot to mention this, but you can also use those spray car airfresheners to mask the stink--but be careful, not too much and make sure that it smells good and not something like "new car scent"--wouldn't that be weird to the next person coming in thinking--"I could've sworn that guy crapped a new car, wonder what the heck he's been eating!!"
[This message has been edited by MUNCHIE (edited 03-26-99).]

[This message has been edited by MUNCHIE (edited 03-26-99).]

Ty
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Posts: 288
Registered: Mar 99

posted 03-26-1999 02:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ty   Click Here to Email Ty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
MUNCHIE - thanks for the additional advice. I actually never thought of doing that! That will certainly come in handy for those Big D Days.

Good luck with returning to work!

Ty

Gena
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Posts: 158
Registered: Mar 99

posted 03-26-1999 03:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gena     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oh my god that was f*cking HILARIOUS!!!!

I am seriously cracking up right now!!

Way to GO!!!!!

--Gena

Pattee
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Posts: 300
Registered: Jan 99

posted 03-26-1999 04:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Pattee   Click Here to Email Pattee     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ty,thank you for the hysterical laughter.i am wiping tears away .you and I are on the same wavelength.its an IBS hall of famer.Love pattee

Ty
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Posts: 288
Registered: Mar 99

posted 03-30-1999 12:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ty   Click Here to Email Ty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Glad you all liked it. I still get the giggles when I'm heading for the bathroom at work. It actually helps ease the "anxiety" of the moment!

Ty

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